I am finding March to be quite difficult to get through. The daffies are out, the crocuses are still holding on we've had a couple days of crazy good weather - so what is wrong with me? We have been sick in one way or another since the beginning of February. It started with the Flu. And since then we've had non-stop colds that have not let go. Turning into ear infections, sinus infections, conjunctivitis. WE ARE SO BEHIND. I had hoped to be almost done with school by this time to give the kids a great Spring, full of roaming freetime to make mud soup and climb trees and catalogue each new bloom in the gardens. When I am behind in my duties I struggle against feelings of worthlessness. I recognize that this is built into my temperament and it will not change. I should not find my worth in what I do but in who I am - who He has made me to be. But this is a struggle for me. In some ways my emotional life is very simple. Lots of visible accomplishment = good girl. Few-no visible accomplishment = bad girl. (BTW, this is not some sort of reflection on how I was raised, at all. OK, mom? It's not you, it's me.)
Here we are, on the 2nd day of Spring and I'm feeling like we are never going to make it to the end. CERTAIN people, who shall remain nameless, might be a bear to teach when certain people are not feeling well. So, it feels like it's just time to pack our bags and go home. Oh wait, we're already home. And here-in lies the problem. I am addicted to homeschooling. It gives my days structure and purpose and when it is all kaflooey like it is right now I get all kaflooey internally too.
But in all this there is good. I am trying to keep this passage from Fr. Tissot's "How to Profit from One's Faults" in mind.
"The limitations we experience in carrying on our external work and internal affairs are very much a part of humility. And humility in it's turn begets and sustains generosity."
So February, and now March this year is not so much Spring as it is the season of embracing my limitations. Well, trying to. It appears that I am limited in this too.