Poop Chronicles, vol 6...

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Poop Chronicles, vol 6...

You never know when its going to happen. You never suspect that your time has come. You can never be prepared enough for when The Grossest Thing Ever to Happen, happens to you. Please, please...take my advice and, "Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the [Poop Fates] prowl around like a roaring lion looking for someone to [disgust]". *
Sunday started out a lovely, crisp autumn morning and we all enjoyed pulling out our longed-for Fall duds. Boys in corduroy, girls in sweaters and tights. I got the kids down for a nap and watched Devil Wears Prada whilst beginning the Great Seasonal Clothing Shift. Then the babies woke up and so I went down to get them from their cribs. And there I saw...
nothing, everything was fine. I was still an unsuspecting sap. I went down and got everyone a snack, checked Facebook and then smelled a smell. John not being home, I had no recourse but to deal with the offending party myself.
As I laid Cecilia down I felt a dampness through her skirt and realized that it was really quite a bummer that John wasn't home. I then came to the gruesome realization that she had had quite a blowout of unhealthy-looking excrement all the way down her tights and even into the feet of the tights. Darn Autumn! It would have been so much easier to clean up poo-on-skin then poo-on-skin-through-tights.
I checked my watch. Darn again...John wouldn't be home for two more hours. So I took a deep breath and girded my loins, prepared for battle of the nastiest kind.
Then it happened. The Grossest Thing Ever to Happen, happened to me (memory shudder). As I pulled down her tights I realized that this situation was worse then I thought because, in addition to the runnyness of the filth, it was also rather...well, I'm sorry but it was...chunky. I'm sorry, there's no other way to say it. As I was pulling down her tights I lost my grip on that darn stretchy, slippery fabric and it snapped back and splat against her leg, spraying my face with, well...need we say anymore?
And my mouth? Oh, yes, yes...open.
Sigh. So, please, please, learn from my mistakes, from my lack of alertness, from my lukewarmness. Because if your lukewarmness doesn't cause God to "spew you out of [his] mouth" then you could be the one doing the spewing. Stay alert and sober out there tonight, America. God be with you.

*Modern translation of 1st Peter 5:8, some words paraphrased.
**"So then because you are lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spew you out of my mouth." Rev. 3:16

7 comments:

JodiSeptember 21, 2011 at 5:09 AM
oh dear. oh dear. That is definitely the worst poo incident I've heard.
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ReenieSeptember 21, 2011 at 6:00 AM
Okay then there's me, innocently perusing my google reader after another delightful 7.30 am meeting at the office. And there it is, Poop Chronicles. And thinking it will be it's usual entertaining vingette of life at the Love Shack, I eagerly begin reading. And ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.... yeah, that one might be the grossest thing I've read (and pictured vividly with the smell in mind)... and that last part made me throw up a little in my mouth. thanks for that :)
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Jesse RaySeptember 21, 2011 at 6:07 AM
The best (and worst) story ever. I chuckled to think that when you looked at your watch, to determine John's ETA, that the thought may have crossed your mind: "Can I somehow avoid this for two hours and pretend like it just happened when John gets home?" LOL
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Uncle JamesSeptember 21, 2011 at 6:16 AM
Babies pooping on your face! Classic
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Katie RoseSeptember 21, 2011 at 7:20 PM
Eeeewww!
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BetsySeptember 21, 2011 at 9:41 PM
Wow, Gross doesn't do that justice. You just put everything into perspective for me. I'll take normal need-a-bath blowouts any day!
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Sarah PattonSeptember 21, 2011 at 10:50 PM
I'm laughing so hard. What a wonderful and awful story. The advice is greatly appreciated. I'll always be on the lookout for a hint of lukewarmness that may be cause for some spewing.
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Loves and Loveletts

Lex - somewhere in her mid-30's. Homeschooling mom as well as a homeschool graduate. Lives in a little Burg in the Appalachian mountains but will always have a little Michigan inside her. Mother of 6 that were born within 9 years of each other. Lover of audiobooks, praying through singing, birding, asparagus patches, and photographing kids. Grateful for the gift of community - the beauty, the ugly and the mediocre. Follower of Christ.

John - Late 30's Theology Professor, aka The Love Doctor. Always burning the candle at both ends he works hard during the day to form the future of Catholic priests and in the early mornings and evenings he carts children to and from activities and makes his wife mean G&Ts. Evangelization, providing music for Mass and adoration, sharing insights from St. Thomas Aquinas are what he's most known for in his professional life. Doing the dishes every night, dropping everything to meet us in the ER, and fixing the constant rotation of things the kids break are what he's most popular for here at home.

Anthony - Thirteen. Geography and grammar are where he shines academically - both requiring a precision that Anthony has a hard time not overusing. He enjoys playing soccer as often as possible and he stands out on his team as being a guy with his head and his body in the game - attentive and thinking. He works hard on living with equanimity as an introvert in a crowded, loud, busy home.

Rosie - Ten. Leader of "The Tribe": the three loveletts that were born within 2.5 years. She is a hard worker in school and rarely requires my help, just plugs along and gets her stuff done. She takes a lot of art classes and keeps a nature journal and I love what she is able to observe and translate through a pencil. She loves to make up all sorts of games and fun pretends for the younger member of the family. Everyone should be so lucky as to have a Rosie.

Thomas - Nine and all E. Energetic, enthusiastic, eager, excitable, extroverted, exhilarated and engaged. The only trouble we have with Thomas is that it's hard to keep him busy enough - he has an appetite for life that can be overwhelming! He's been this way ever since he mastered crawling. He was off and the rest is history. Anthony wrote this limerick about Thomas this year.

My brother is energetic

His body is super frenetic

He yells and he jumps

and he gives us all bumps

But Thomas is never pathetic.

This is all true.

Cecilia - Eight. Cece is such a great "smack-dabber". Smack-dab in the middle of the family and always wanting to be part of the team. She is generous, inclusive and positive. We often call her excited, positive, can-do presence, "The Power of Positive-Ce". She has none of her older sister's innate sense of fashion and often rollicks around in outfits that make me question her ability to see colors. And patterns. And cleanliness.

Catherine - 5 going on 30. Probably the most thoughtful and caring person in the house. She is totally normal when it comes to wanting to run with the big kids and "do it myself" and other such developmental standards. What sets her apart in our family is that she is so tuned into how other people are feeling and how her actions effect them. When she throws a fit (which she still does occasionally) she is the only child to offer unprompted apologies and amends. She is our sunshine.

Gloria - 3 and THE BABY. She is well ensconced in her role - having no desire or inclination to reliquish her tyrannical hold on all the people older then her. We do her bidding and she entertains us by singing herself little songs, letting us tickle her and having big beautiful eyes and super long eyelashes.

Love Life - Our Grand Tour

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Poop Chronicles, vol 6...

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