You never know when its going to happen. You never suspect that your time has come. You can never be prepared enough for when The Grossest Thing Ever to Happen, happens to you. Please, please...take my advice and, "Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the [Poop Fates] prowl around like a roaring lion looking for someone to [disgust]". *
Sunday started out a lovely, crisp autumn morning and we all enjoyed pulling out our longed-for Fall duds. Boys in corduroy, girls in sweaters and tights. I got the kids down for a nap and watched Devil Wears Prada whilst beginning the Great Seasonal Clothing Shift. Then the babies woke up and so I went down to get them from their cribs. And there I saw...
nothing, everything was fine. I was still an unsuspecting sap. I went down and got everyone a snack, checked Facebook and then smelled a smell. John not being home, I had no recourse but to deal with the offending party myself.
As I laid Cecilia down I felt a dampness through her skirt and realized that it was really quite a bummer that John wasn't home. I then came to the gruesome realization that she had had quite a blowout of unhealthy-looking excrement all the way down her tights and even into the feet of the tights. Darn Autumn! It would have been so much easier to clean up poo-on-skin then poo-on-skin-through-tights.
I checked my watch. Darn again...John wouldn't be home for two more hours. So I took a deep breath and girded my loins, prepared for battle of the nastiest kind.
Then it happened. The Grossest Thing Ever to Happen, happened to me (memory shudder). As I pulled down her tights I realized that this situation was worse then I thought because, in addition to the runnyness of the filth, it was also rather...well, I'm sorry but it was...chunky. I'm sorry, there's no other way to say it. As I was pulling down her tights I lost my grip on that darn stretchy, slippery fabric and it snapped back and splat against her leg, spraying my face with, well...need we say anymore?
And my mouth? Oh, yes, yes...open.
Sigh. So, please, please, learn from my mistakes, from my lack of alertness, from my lukewarmness. Because if your lukewarmness doesn't cause God to "spew you out of [his] mouth" then you could be the one doing the spewing. Stay alert and sober out there tonight, America. God be with you.
*Modern translation of 1st Peter 5:8, some words paraphrased.
**"So then because you are lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spew you out
of my mouth." Rev. 3:16